Thursday, December 23, 2010

A Writer's Airing of Grievances

HAPPY FESTIVUS ONE AND ALL!

Today is Festivus. They day we celebrate the feast of...being festive without indulging in the commercialism of various religious traditions! It's the Anti-Holiday's Holiday.

FESTIVUS FOR THE REST OF US!

On the Day of Festivus the Aluminum Pole stands in place of our tree, in the hopes that the Airing of Grievances commences with ease. The Feats of Strength begins with a bash, as someone gets pinned on the floor in a flash.

Aspiring Author Charli Mac's Airing of Grievances

1. To every agent who rejected me with a form-FYI, I wasn't all that into you either, in case I didn't let you know that.

2. To my WIP, my first MS, the bane of my existence- Make up your mind already and let me know when you have decided to be complete. You are an annoying wench and at this point, much like my cousin Wendy, you will never get hitched (signed).

3. To my second WIP- Thanks for bailing on me. You are an insecure second child. Get over it. If you get your shiznit together you may beat your older sibling and be the first one signed by an agent, I'm just sayin'.

4. To my muse- Crack is whack, hugs not drugs, you booze you lose, and that's not glue you've been sniffing. You need to join Lindsay Lohan in Rehab.

5. To my laptop- Thanks for having the Internet so readily available for me to NOT WRITE! You enable the Muse's procrastination and fuel her ADHD. Good one. You've figured out that if I finish this book and get signed YOU are getting replaced. You machines are getting too smart.

6. To the fellow author I met at that thing-Thanks for reminding me how tough the market is and that my premise has little chance of being picked up.  I hope you get crabs.

7. To my husband- Thanks for asking me if I've made money yet on this "hobby". That's like me asking you if your middle aged-overweight football team will ever win a game.

8. To my daughter, aka, The Tweener- Thanks for rolling your eyes, stomping your feet, and slamming your door every time you asked where dinner was.  I was in the middle of typing very important scenes. It's called Easy Mac for a reason.

9. To my dog- Thanks for barking, whining, and licking yourself every time I was on a roll. I should've let them ice you at the pound.

10. To that agent who sent me a cut & pasted, poorly written form rejection and really pissed me off- Thanks, know-it-all for sending me down the rabbit hole. It was funny to find out I was not the only one, thus proving me right and you wrong. Sweet vindication! This was my FESTIVUS MIRACLE!!!!!!!!!!

Please air feel free to Air your own grievances below.
*These are fictitious rants (mostly). My family rocks and I'd never wish my pooch harm.

11 comments:

  1. Hi Charli, Clever, I like it. 2011 is bound to be better. Season's Greetings
    Dee

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ditto on #2. I hate you first WIP and I wish you'd bothered someone else instead of taking up two years of my life and leaving me emotionally drained and my family hating my guts for ignoring them.

    Also, I'd like to make a Festivus shoutout to those little demons that live in my head and tell me I'm not good enough. You guys came to chew bubble gum and kick ass and you were all out of bubble gum so you kicked my ass. Repeatedly. Go fly a kite.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Muse-bashing sounds good to me. Mine is taking me down a path completely at odds to what my publisher wants. Can you get a new muse at Best Buy? Great post, Charli! Happy Festivus!

    ReplyDelete
  4. yup this all sounds familiar to me (minus the family stuff, cuz, like yours, my family rules!)...I have a few grievances of my own. I just want to let my muse know that I wish I had never met her. Her ability to conjure up old, deep-rooted insecurities and make me feel 3 inches tall is remarkable. I'm tired of it. I want her to go back to the 9th level of hell from whence she came. Also to the writing world in general; you are a confusing hot mess. Nothing you say makes sense and quite frankly I'm sick of all of your rules and soul-crushing subjective criticism. Oh, and Grammar, ya you, you smell of cabbage and I hope you get scurvy! Ok I feel better...Happy Holidays! lol
    kris

    ReplyDelete
  5. To all the snake-oil sales(persons) who want us to learn to write a novel in…ten minutes: come to life and drink your own snake-oil. I’m not buying it.
    Gerri

    ReplyDelete
  6. For those of you who are having trouble with your female muse, may I recommend a male muse? First of all (I might as well get this little factoid over with) they are less hormonal, they rarely have good and bad days, and they have excellent insights into the male POV!

    Sorry, you have to get the real man at home to microwave dinner, pick up the dog vomit and taking out the trash!

    ReplyDelete
  7. You are so funny. I'm with you on the dinner comment. How old are they when they make dinner for you?
    And about the muse, I'll have to have a drink and think about it.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Season's Greetings Dee. Yes, I am a clever girl...

    A.R., OMG. My MS has been up wee (I am lying about the wee part)arse since July of 09. In my head since 1996. Grrr! You need to guest post about this.

    Particia, went to Best Buy last night. No such luck on the Muse, only the Band Muse. They are good but not the same.

    Kris, I love wishing people to get scurvy! Up for doing a post about Grammar Woes?

    Gerri, snake oil salesmen publishers in disguise? Good theory.

    Jilly Baby, so with you on ditching the Femmuse and getting a Maluse. Maybe you can whip up a post on that?

    Susan, thanks for the compliment. I have only survived my life by making fun of it. Drinks, yes. I will have a gin and tonic with a twist of lime.

    As you can all see I am selfishly pimping out offers for people to guest post here. I have a feeling my New Year's resolution to be productive is already being compromised.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'd love to do a post on how much I hate grammar! warning thought- it'll be filled with grammar mistakes and a lot of smack talk! I had to stop making resolutions, I just never see them through- except writing a book, that one I did.
    Hope you have a great christmas/kwanza/festivus/saturday!
    kris

    ReplyDelete
  10. Ahahahaha!

    I'm airing a grievance about my muse--when she's here it's FAB, when she's not, GUH!

    Does rewriting my YA dystopian count as a feat of strength???

    ReplyDelete
  11. Anything YA is a feat of strength for me. Teenage angst? Barely got through it myself. Throw in dystopic? Oy Vey!

    ReplyDelete