I’m like a Ringleader, I call the shots. Ok so I ripped off a line from Britney Spears, I know, I know, her word is abysmal, but I like the line.
Welcome to DINNER WITH JAWS ladies and gents, children of all ages. Your maître d’ will take your hat and coats and direct you to the nearest table. ‘Tis a full house tonight, so go, shoo, find a seat.
For dinner this evening we will be having Murder In The South, A Detective, And A Heroine With An Unlikely Ability.
Hungry? Without Further Adieu, may I present your main course, and mine, MONSTER MINE, by chef extraordinaire, Tammy Lee.
I’m famished!
MONSTER MINE
where murder can't always be heard ...
Mondays were a bitch and today was no exception. Noah stepped from his Wrangler and adjusted his sunglasses. He glanced to the rear bumper making sure he’d pulled far enough ahead of the crime unit vehicles and checked that other cars could pass without sideswiping him. He’d have rather been anywhere but here, not that he didn’t appreciate the country, just the reason why.
Hand braced against the jeeps’ open door, he dropped his head and drew a deep breath, the air crisp, refreshing against the dread weighing him down. Winter would come early this year he thought. Only three weeks into September and the trees were showing signs of the coming season. Soon, the days would get shorter and the nights longer. But it wasn’t like he didn’t have anything to occupy his time.
He had a monster to catch.
This was exactly why he was standing in the middle of nowhere. A larger segment of Sumner County heavily populated with working farms and wooded areas. And the perfect place to dump a body. Noah slammed the door.
Third Monday, third murdered woman.
“Hey, buddy, I need you to get back in your car and keep moving.”
Noah flashed his badge at the young patrolman. “Bradley. Homicide.”
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My take ...
Mondays were a bitch and today was no exception. Noah stepped from his Wrangler and adjusted his sunglasses. He glanced to the rear bumper making sure he’d pulled far enough ahead of the crime unit vehicles and checked (to see if) that other cars could pass without sideswiping him. He’d have rather be been anywhere but here, not that he didn’t appreciate the country, just the reason why.
Hand braced against the (I would capitalize the word Jeep) jeeps’ open door, he dropped his head and drew a deep breath. the air crisp, The crisp autumn air did little to dull his sense of impending dread.refreshing against the dread weighing him down. Winter would come early this year he thought. (This sentence is not needed, work it into the next sentence. It pulls from the action you set up in the beginning. Try something like this; Bare trees, stripped of thriving life, signaled an early start to winter.) Only three weeks into September and the trees were showing signs of the coming season. Soon, the days would get shorter and the nights longer. But it wasn’t like he didn’t have anything to occupy his time.
He had a monster to catch. (BRAVO! Incredible line!)
This was exactly why h He was standing stood in the middle of nowhere. A larger segment of This part of Sumner County lay claim only to heavily populated with working farms and deep forest that stretched on for miles. wooded areas.
Third Monday, third murdered woman.
“Hey, buddy, I need you to get back in your car and keep moving.”
He Noah flashed his badge at the young patrolman. “Bradley. Homicide.”
That was absolutely incredible. The first bite was invigorating, new, and thoroughly tasty. It whet my appetite, and yet, because the portion was so small, I was left wanting more.
Lets examine the first paragraph. We’re introduced to the protagonist in a no holds barred kind of way. It’s like he’s saying, ‘I’m here,’ with authority. Take notice.
With minimal description I got a feel for where he was. An isolated, country road, in the backwoods of, lets say, Tennessee. There is little set up before BAM, she drops a bomb. Noah isn’t on some scenic drive; he’s looking for a monster. I was intrigued even before the third paragraph, now I’m hooked!
There is some sentences Tammy could change to make it more show instead of tell, she could add a few more sensory details, but, I must say even without them, I feel compelled to read on. For a first page, brilliant!
I couldn’t have asked for a tastier morsel!
Thank you so much for jumping into the SHARK TANK, Tammy, please do come back anytime!
Stop by tomorrow for the FINAL product!
AJ
Mondays were a bitch. Today was no exception. (Me, I like the short sentences.) Noah stepped from his Wrangler and adjusted his sunglasses. He glanced to the rear bumper making sure he’d pulled far enough ahead of the crime unit vehicles and checked that other cars could pass without sideswiping him (this is lengthy, fix it AJ's way.). He’d have rather been anywhere but here, not that he didn’t appreciate the country, just the reason why.
ReplyDeleteHand braced against the Jeeps’ (I agree with AJ, capitolize) open door, he dropped his head and drew a deep breath, the air crisp, refreshing against the dread weighing him down. Winter would come early this year he thought. Only three weeks into September and the trees were showing signs of the coming season. Soon, the days would get shorter and the nights longer. (I don't know if this bit about the trees is necessary, I'm more interested in the murder. Trees slow me down.) But it wasn’t like he didn’t have anything to occupy his time.
He had a monster to catch.
This was exactly why he was standing in the middle of nowhere. A larger segment of Sumner County (Tennessee? I'm just curious, it's not vital for my reading here.) heavily populated with working farms and wooded areas. And the perfect place to dump a body. Noah slammed the door.
Third Monday, third murdered woman.
“Hey, buddy, I need you to get back in your car and keep moving.”
Noah flashed his badge at the young patrolman. “Bradley. Homicide.”
Interesting opening, can't wait to see the finished part.
Mondays were a bitch and today was no exception. Noah stepped from his Wrangler and adjusted his sunglasses.
ReplyDeleteI need something in between these two sentences. Some type of body language the lets us know today is a real bitch for him. It may just be me, but I felt it a quick jump from how bad mondays are and him getting out of the truck. Maybe he pauses before opening the door, shakes his head at the crowd lurking. I need something.
Also, the part where Jodi added about the bare trees being stripped of life, maybe Noah further adds the that's not all that's devoid of life these days, or something like that. Cause, if not I agree with AR, toss it.
Describe the scene not the trees. But I think it'll work if you compare the change in season with the recent changes in body count.
Otherwise, the suggestions are really good so far. You know I love me some Noah, ha cha cha!
Awesome job, Tammy.
AJ- I absolutely love "Where murder can't always be heard...perfect!!!!!
ReplyDeleteAR- Yes, LOL its set in Tennessee.
Charli- nice ideas.
Thank you ladies, some great suggestions. Beginnings are the hardest part to write for me. I have changed the first couple of paragraphs more times than I want to count. I knew it was lacking and for the life of me I can't pin it down. Mainly the tree part. LOL
Tammy - I'm a little late to the party but I have to agree, it's a great story. Were you trying to show the peaceful setting with the tree part? I think it would add to the story to make the reader feel the peaceful side vs the horrible bloody side. Some sounds of the peace or the lack thereof? The rustling of the wind in the trees? (something less overdone but you get the drift). In fact, I'd go so far as to say the only thing missing is a little sensory detail. The plot is simmering nicely and the character is very well written. Just a little detail here and there and you've got it!
ReplyDeleteAnneN
Anne, I like the idea about the lack of sound, or maybe some and then quiet. I can work with that. LOL Thank you. Majority rules. Add sensory...check.
ReplyDeleteHi Tammy,
ReplyDeleteI think you've got a great feel for adding emphasis, such as with the brief paragraph about having a monster to catch. You could even add to this, by spending a little more time on some details about the scene around him, using longish sentences and longish paragraphs, so that the moments of impact really stand out.
Some of the others have mentioned a few sentences that could be reworked. In my opinion, this one is in need of some help: "He’d have rather been anywhere but here, not that he didn’t appreciate the country, just the reason why." It is a run-on, for one thing. But also it is unclear. Just the reason why what? I'm left hanging, and not really in a good way.
Since your POV character here is a detective, I think you've done a really good job of giving a taste of the way he thinks. We get description and lots of detail, but we also have short, terse, to the point statements of fact. Excellent work there.
Hey Tammy
ReplyDeleteVery good start. The others pointed out good opportunities. I'd just say, draw the feel of the atmosphere a bit more. You want this to be unsettling, stifling, even disturbing. Like the peace of the trees hides something sinister, and the air is so still it's cloying and makes you want to run. Like Noah is tempted to look over his shoulder or something.
You have a start on this already but I think you could up the punch.
On the whole, captivating!
Hugs
Catherine and Zee, thank you very much. You both offered some great advice. Everyone did and I'm sooo grateful. I am working on a revised version which will be posted later this afternoon. I hope everyone will come back and tell me if I've improved.
ReplyDeleteTammy, sooo sorry I'm late. Crazy life past couple of days. So...time for a feeding!
ReplyDeleteOkay...the last sentence of first paragraph, I'd ditch altogether. It does confuse the reader. Yes, capitalize Jeep.
"Hand braced against the jeeps’ open door, he dropped his head and drew a deep breath, the air crisp, refreshing against the dread weighing him down."
With this sentence I would put a period after "breath", then rework the last part into something like "The September air, unusually crisp this early in the season, refreshed him, buoyed up his soul against the dread that pulled at him." Then I'd ditch the rest of the paragraph.
Love, love, LOVE "He had a monster to catch."
Then I would do something to let us know, through his eyes, what he's seeing. Maybe have him scan the area, noting not only the farmland and forest and it being a perfect place to dump a body, but the oogling crowd held back by uniformed officers, maybe showing his disgust at the rubberneckers and reporters.
The part following, including where he slams the door is great. I would leave it as is.
Hope this helps...or not, since I'm so freaking late. ;)
No, not late, Megan. I'm glad for the suggestions.
ReplyDeleteThank you...
Hi there! I found this blog from QT--so interesting! I'm passing a blog award on to ya! :D
ReplyDeleteThanks LB, it means a lot. We try our best here to enlighten, laugh, cry, scream, and learn about the process of getting published. We're all in it together! Keep coming back. :)
ReplyDeleteCharli
Ibdiamond, thanks so much for joining us! If your looking for something to read about, and can't find it, tell us, and we'll be happy to blog about it! :-)
ReplyDelete