Thursday, August 5, 2010

DINNER WITH JAWS

'Tis another day, another DINNER WITH JAWS.

A week without out food has left me famished, weak and ready to dive into the tank. Mayhap, we ought to dine more than once a week?

He he he. Do you hear the maniacal laughter grating over your skin?
Aye, you do. I can smell the fear. There's blood in the water.

My victim has arrived ...
The lovely Catherine Gayle has volunteered to be my next victim. She pens Regency tales set in jolly 'ol England. Ready for a BITE?

WALLFLOWER
Listen carefully to the whispers in the walls ...


“Devonport,” said the Earl of Glastonbury from across the drawing room of deLancie House. He dragged his fingers along the wiry grey strands of his rather more-long-than-fashionable beard and took his time about continuing, despite Noah’s insistence that he was running far later than he ever desired to be. “I intend to marry your mother.”


Noah deLancie, ninth Marquess of Devonport, regarded the man who had been courting his widowed mother for the better part of a year, and attempted not to show his distress. “Is that so?” he asked, adopting a casual tone. Or attempting to. Perhaps not quite succeeding. He would have to redouble his efforts.


It wasn’t that Glastonbury was wrong for Mother or that the earl would treat her poorly. Far from it, actually.


The older man had revived in the marchioness something that had been missing since before Father’s death more than five years prior. She was enjoying herself, enjoying life again. Her eyes fairly shone in Glastonbury’s presence—something Noah couldn’t say about anyone else in his mother’s life.


He had to be happy for her, on that account.


“Yes, quite so, my good man,” Glastonbury continued. “She has already agreed to it. Indeed, we intend to make the announcement at the Scantlebury ball this evening.”


“Tonight?” Noah half-squeaked. He might have fully squeaked—he couldn’t be certain. Of one thing he was certain, however: he had never before squeaked in his life as a grown man, half or otherwise. He doubted such an occurrence had taken place since he was a green lad and first gaining his adult voice.


Good God. That very night? No wonder Mother had insisted Noah receive the earl, despite the late hour of his visit, which would undoubtedly make for Noah’s (exceedingly) tardy arrival at the very ball in question.


This was highly problematic.

_________________________________________________________________

Let the Blood Bath Commence ...

“Devonport,” said the Earl of Glastonbury from across the drawing room of deLancie House. He dragged his fingers along the wiry grey strands of his rather more- unfashionable long-than-fashionable beard and took his time about continuing, (Continue what, talking, or stroking his beard) despite Noah’s insistence that he was running far later than he ever desired to be. (Running late for what?) “I intend to marry your mother.”


Noah deLancie, ninth Marquess of Devonport, regarded the man who had been courting his widowed mother for the better part of a year, and attempted not to show his distress. “Is that so?” he asked, adopting a casual tone. Or, attempting to. Perhaps not quite succeeding. He would have to redouble his efforts. (How is he not succeeding? Don’t tell me, show me)


It wasn’t that Glastonbury was wrong for Mother or that the earl would treat her poorly. Far from it actually. The older man had revived in the marchioness something that had been missing since before Father’s death more than five years prior . She was enjoying herself, enjoying life again. Her eyes fairly shone in Glastonbury’s presence—something Noah couldn’t say about anyone else in his mother’s life.


He had to be happy for her, on that account.


“Yes, quite so, my good man,” Glastonbury continued. “She has already agreed to it. Indeed, we intend to make the announcement at the Scantlebury ball this evening.”


“Tonight?” Noah half-squeaked. (Would it not be more manly for the fellow to bellow, or shout?) He might have fully squeaked—he couldn’t be certain. Of one thing he was certain, however: he had never before squeaked in his life as a grown man, half or otherwise. He doubted such an occurrence had taken place since he was a green lad and first gaining his adult voice. (Who cares? His squeaking does not move the story along)


Good God. That very night? No wonder Mother had insisted Noah receive the earl, despite the late hour of his visit, which would undoubtedly make for Noah’s (exceedingly - why is this in brackets?) tardy arrival at the very ball in question.


This was highly problematic.

____________________________________________________________________________________________


Technically, Catherine is a wonderful writer. She was the very first person to rip my work to shreds. Thank you, again, for kicking my MS's arse! It needed it, sorely!


Ok, onto your tale. There is nothing whatsoever wrong with the writing, never is. However, that being said, I'm not sure this is a very action packed opening. You want a hook, something to GRAB the readers attention and compel them to read on.


Thus far we only know, who I'm assuming is the hero - his mother is being courted and wed to another man, their all off to a ball, and the hero is not so happy about the whole matter. Since I've not read more, nor do I know where you are going with this tale, or even who the heroine is, its difficult to say what you ought to begin with.


WAIT, hold on, I had a brain fart. Even if this is how you want to begin, why not try something a little more action packed, like this:


“Devonport.”


Noah de Lancie, ninth Marquess of Davenport, rolled his shoulders and turned at the sound of his name.


“Glastonbury,” he drawled, sipping his port, curious about the visitor’s reasons for entering his salon. They were not friends, not even close. “I’ll have to find another butler.” He swirled amber liquid around a crystal glass.


“No need my good man,” replied the earl with a smile that did not reach his eyes. He dragged his fingers along the wiry grey strands of his rather long beard. “It was not his fault I had him incapacitated.” The chill in his voice matched wintry cool eyes.


Noah placed the glass on the mantle and tensed.


The older man advanced further into the room. Noah placed his hands on his hips, assured by the hard presence of his Dueling Pistol (or some other sort of firearm) tucked into his waist. The sudden quiet of his house was unusual.


“Why are you here, Glastonbury?”


A deep chuckle fell from the earl’s lips as he casually unbuttoned his waistcoat. Matching Derringers tucked neatly into a holster. “I thought I might come to call before the Scantlebury ball this evening. I was so anxious for us to speak before the big announcement.”


Noah took a step forward. “What announcement?”


The earl grinned, eyes dancing with mirth. “Why, that I intend to marry your mother of course.”


'Tis me two cents, lass! Everyone else, please do dive right in!


20 comments:

  1. Catherine, you are a technically sound writer. Very clean, very well done. But I would have to agree with Jodie on this one. The lack of action kind of had a get on with it feel.

    While the squeak of his voice is funny I felt it weakens him, esp since this man is about to be his step father.

    I like the twist Jodie put on it, leaving the jaw dropping cliffhanger at the end...

    Good job Catherine and Jodie.

    One question for me, was the butler knocked out, I am confused. lol.

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  2. I like the storyline, but the MS did drag on. The way you revised it, Jaws, it reads with more tension and excitement. One of my many problem areas is writing step by step action in scenes. Jaws cut it down to the basics and threw the unessential away. It reads tight and nice. A good fit. :) Good job on the intro, Catherine! Wipe your mouth off, Jaws.

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  3. What Mika said:) Good storyline. I think Jaws did some great biting that can help.

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  4. Hi, Jodie and Catherine-

    There's another shark in the tank circling for blood. :)

    I do agree that, while Catherine's writing is lovely, she'd do better to start with action to grab her reader. And I think Jodie does an excellent job revising the opening to provide that action. But I have some comments I'd like to add, for whatever they're worth.

    “Devonport.”

    Noah de Lancie, ninth Marquess of Davenport, rolled his shoulders WHY DOES DAVENPORT ROLL HIS SHOULDERS? IT MAKES HIM SOUND UNINTERESTED OR UNCONCERNED. IF HE IS THE HERO, I WANT HIM TO BE ENGAGED IN THE WORLD AROUND HIM. and turned at the sound of his name.

    “Glastonbury,” he drawled, sipping his port, DAVENPORT CAN SIP THE PORT BEFORE OR AFTER DRAWLING GLASTONBURY'S NAME, BUT NOT WHILE SPEAKING. THIS IS THE DANGER OF ADDING INFO TO DIALOGUE TAGS. curious about the visitor’s reasons for entering his salon. IF DAVENPORT IS THE HERO, I WANT HIM TO KNOW, OR AT LEAST SUSPECT, WHY GLASTONBURY HAS CALLED UPON HIM. They were not friends, not even close. “I’ll have to find another butler.” He swirled amber liquid around a crystal glass. HOW DID GLASTONBURY GET IN? A MARQUESS AND EARL ARE NOBLEMEN OF HIGH RANK. TYPICALLY, GLASTONBURY WOULD BE GREETED BY DAVENPORT'S BUTLER AT THE FRONT DOOR, THE BUTLER WOULD CARRY GLASTONBURY'S CALLING CARD TO DAVENPORT, DAVENPORT WOULD DECIDE WHETHER HE WANTED TO RECEIVE GLASTONBURY, THE BUTLER WOULD ESCORT GLASTONBURY TO A DRWAING ROOM (OR BETTER YET, A STUDY) FLANKED BY LIVERIED FOOTMEN WEARING DAVENPORT'S COLORS, THE FOOTMEN WOULD OPEN THE DOORS, THE BUTLER WOULD ANNOUNCE GLASTONBURY, GLASTONBURY WOULD ENTER, THE BUTLER WOULD WITHDRAW, AND THE FOOTMEN WOULD CLOSE THE DOORS.

    “No needCOMMA my good man,” replied the earl with a smile that did not reach his eyes. He dragged his fingers along the wiry grey strands of his rather long beard. IS A LONG BEARD FASHIONABLE FOR THE TIME PERIOD? “It was not his fault I had him incapacitated.” The chill in his voice matched wintry cool eyes. Noah placed the glass on the mantle and tensed. DAVENPORT'S ACTION IN THE LAST SENTENCE IS MIXED IN THE SAME PARAGRAPH WITH GLASTONBURY'S DIALOGUE AND ACTIONS.

    The older man advanced further into the room. Noah placed his hands on his hips, assured by the hard presence of his Dueling Pistol (or some other sort of firearm) tucked into his waist. THIS IS EXTRAORDINARY. A MARQUESS WOULDN'T TYPICALLY PACK HEAT IN HIS OWN DRAWING ROOM. The sudden quiet of his house was unusual. WHAT IS THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THIS?

    “Why are you here, Glastonbury?”

    A deep chuckle fell from the earl’s lips as he casually unbuttoned his waistcoat. Matching Derringers tucked neatly into a holster. AGAIN, THIS IS EXTRAORDINARY. “I thought I might come to call before the Scantlebury ball this evening. I was so anxious for us to speak before the big announcement.” I DARE SAY THAT AN EARL WOULD HOST HIS OWN BALL TO MAKE SUCH AN ANNOUNCEMENT, OR MORE LIKELY, UNDER THE RULES OF SOCIETY, DAVENPORT WOULD HOST A BALL. OF COURSE, IT WOULD OCCUR DURING THE LONDON SEASON. AND I SUSPECT THAT A DOWAGER MARCHIONESS WOULD NEVER WED WITHOUT THE CURRENT MARQUESS' PERMISSION AND BLESSING.

    Noah took a step forward. “What announcement?”

    The earl grinned, eyes dancing with mirth. GLASTONBURY'S MIRTH IS A BIT INCONGRUENT WITH HIS PRIOR COMBATANT STANCE. “Why, that I intend to marry your motherCOMMA of course.”

    LASTLY, I THINK SOME OF DAVENPORT'S VERY INTERESTING INTERNAL THOUGHT HAS BEEN LOST SOMEWHERE ALONG THE WAY.

    Again, these are just my comments, for whatever they're worth.

    Regards, Madeline Smyth

    P.S. Sorry I had to remove the last comment, but I misspelled Jodie's name.

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  5. Madeline,

    Thanks for the lessons, I do not write historical so this has been eye opening. You really seem versed on the subject, any suggestions on how Catherine can bump up the action and be historically accurate? Maybe something similar to what AJ did? It may help us not so versed in the period get a better understanding.

    Glad to have you aboard. ;)

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  6. Thanks, everyone, for your feedback. I have to LOL at the image of these two gentlemen in a drawing room in Regency England packing heat, though. I see what you're going for with that, Jodie, but this is not the American west. They didn't go around with guns strapped to their waists in the company of Quality.

    I can understand your concerns about the need for action, and the action and conflict certainly increase by degrees in the coming pages. I suppose I made a conscious decision to ease it in and focus on character development as I went, which made for a slow pace in this first page. Sadly, it seems that, at least for those who've commented so far, it isn't working on either front. I'll have to give some serious thought as to what I want to do with that.

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  7. Catherine, Jill reminded me of the rule of three's ... and you helped to shape my writing, even though you read very little. Taste, is of course, subjective. I don't know much about the Wild West LOL, I write in medieval Scotland where hot blooded Scots always have a sword at the ready.

    I'm an action whore. There. I said it. Thank you for doing this. I was just saying to Charli how naked one must feel, and brave to put themselves out like this. You rock chica!

    Madeline, thank you so much for having DINNER WITH JAWS. The premise here is to take the first page of an author’s MS, toss it into the tank, so to speak, and see what sort of reaction others have to it. First impression. Does it hook? Does it grab your attention? Compel you to read on?

    Keep in mind, I’ve not read anyone’s full story, save Charli's, nor do I even have the slightest idea what the story is about, so I took a great many liberties when I concocted my version.

    Action is my first love.

    Why can’t an Earl, or a Marquess‘ pack heat’? We write fiction, no? I was hoping the reader was under the impression that the earl had done away with the butler, but perhaps not. Which creates intrigue. And why does the Marquess HAVE to know why the man has surprised him in his salon? It wouldn’t be a surprise if he called a warning out, now would it?

    Imagination. Do all fiction tales HAVE to follow historical protocol? Geez, I hope not, you’d not like my heroines! ☺ I’m not a huge fan of too much inner dialogue, it bores whilst giving too much away. I’d prefer actions to speak louder than words.

    Thank you for joining us! We’d love to have you for DINNER, as well as a spotlight. Find me on loop and let me know if you’re interested!

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  8. Oops, I deleted my last comment! I felt some tension between these two characters, there is more going on here than meets the eye. I can't wait to see Catherine's final version.

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  9. As to historical accuracy, if you are writing in the Regency period, there are certain liberties you can take and have readers go along with you for the ride, but there are many which you can't. Having two noblemen with guns strapped to their waists? Nope. No way. Unless you are specifically writing in a manner which attempts to go against those things readers know to be truth.

    This era, more so than any other era, has readers who are very much invested in the history and the morals and manners of the time. It creates a challenge for the writers, because we have to research and KNOW the period.

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  10. Oh, I get what AJ was trying to do, give options for action. That being said, for me, without giving us a little something it's really a yawn of a conversation. Esp being the most important bitof the scene is revealed right away, his mom getting married. This has tons of potential for page turning tension.

    I watched a version of Wuthering Heights last night for a online workshop I am taking. Now, I vaguely recall reading it in HS, maybe I didn't.(I know shoot me!) Watching the movie I was reminded why this book has never been out of print. I repeat NEVER been out of print.

    Catherine is the unlikely heroine throwing herself at another man in the presence of her hubby. Heathcliff is an unlikely hero, how rough and roguish he acts. There were far from the acceptable men and ladies of the era. But the are memorable for that. Don't be afraid to HAVE your characters do something EXTRAORDINARY. It makes for extraordinary fiction.

    Being historically accurate doesn't have to equate to, well, boring. Imagine Catherine and Heathcliff sitting around with all their manners and proper etiquette, wouldn't be the same book.

    Just me 2 cents. I'm back to writing about the Jersey Shore. LOL.

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  11. I love the dialogue here, the fierce opinion. Please do keep it coming! :-)

    I get historical accuracy, and I adore reading Regency tales, but that's not to say there have not been many that overstep the bounds of propriety if you will. Rogues are all the rage in regencies and lets face it, a rogue follows his own rules :-)

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  12. LOL, don't get me wrong. I love rule breakers as much as the next person. But, you have to know the rules before you can break the rules, and when you break them, you have to give your characters good, realistic motivation for doing so. Just my opinion, of course.

    And AJ, rogues certainly follow their own rules. I've written a few in my day, but Noah is about the furthest thing from a rogue you will find. What makes him endearing, to me, is that he is a true beta hero, not an alpha hero. It's been difficult for me to remember as I write, but he doesn't even curse. (He's almost the complete opposite of the last hero I wrote, which has been quite a change to say the least!) So guns? Swords? Anything remotely violent? Not for him.

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  13. I just have a few minutes (sorry 2nd job lasted longer than usual) but a couple of things came to mind as I read your story.

    First off, I liked the way the other character stroked his beard. Great way to show us what he looks like without saying the words.

    Second, the opening line doesn't grab me and pull me in like it could. I don't know about you but I love to read the first line and be surprised somehow, almost giddy with excitement about what might happen next. Something that makes me think, "Oooh what's going on?" My son has a book called 'The Shadow Project' by Herbie Brennan. The first line read "Danny would never have noticed the door that night if it hadn't opened a crack." So even though this isn't a suspense or mystery, you could give it a little tweak and pull the reader into the chapter with you.
    One other thing I noticed was Noah seemed sort of feminine. I don't know if he has a male perspective. Maybe he just doesn't have an Alpha male perspective? I think it could still work but we need to see his other attributes first. Get to know him, like him.
    Now these are all just my feeble opinions but I hope something here helps :) AnneN

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  14. Catherine Gayle,
    Sorry I just saw your post on your hero and that you realize he's not Alpha. Guess I should read the rest of the posts first. I stick by my earlier post. In my opinion, we need to see the stellar attributes first.

    AnneN

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  15. Aye, we love to flap our gums. LOL.

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  16. Thanks, Anne. As I'm working on the revision, I think I'm managing to make it clear that he's going to be a beta hero without making him come across as feminine. We'll see how that works out. LOL.

    This is a rough draft, and I will undoubtedly change the opening line about 42 times before I settle on one. Thanks for your suggestions!

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  17. You are a trooper Catherine. Now, I hope our resident "cleaner" isn't overwhelmed, lol. And speaking of that, its seems Madeline can be your cleaner. LOL. We need you technically refined lassies here. Lord knows I can lose and misuse commas like it's nobody's business.

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  18. Good morning to all-

    What energy! I went to bed before you all got going. I'll have to start taking my vitamins to keep up, but for now, I'm off to get a much needed cup of coffee to face the day.

    Best, Madeline

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  19. I wrote a lengthy comment and Blogger ate it! Darn!

    Sorry I'm late - my Friday got eaten in a warp zone.

    Anywayz, I like the beginning, but I'm wondering where you're going with this. Like, there's a contradiction between the fact that the earl has been courting, his mother is happy, but then why is the earl 'unproper' to Noah? And if he's so 'unproper' too, why has he been allowed to court the dowager marchioness? Might the earl and the marchioness be planning a sort of 'let's elope' scandal?

    Also too, I feel we don't get enough into Noah's head. I don't get a feel for his GMC here, and have no idea how and why his GMC even feeds the story. How is this proposal thing so crucial to his GMC and the plot?

    You could definitely do with more conflict exposed and more punch to this start. But on the whole, the Regency feel was there.

    Use or lose!

    Hugs

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